Tingling Dance

Morning!  Well I did get 6 hours of sleep after passing out at 9pm.  I woke at 3am and now my feet are starting the tingling dance.  As an update, visited the neuro yesterday and we are changing me over from Cymbalta to another med, something V... Vampire....Vy...oh, I don't remember.  Anyway, hoping this change will allow me to lose some weight so my knees don't completely collapse say...at the top of the stairs I have to take to get in and out of my house.  All I need is further pain in the head!  Well, I am over my maudlin feelings of my last post and I decided that I am not going to allow my pains to rule who I am!  So I will accept hugs and jokes to help keep me going!  Talk at you later!

Who Am I?

Who am I?
I don't know anymore.
I seem to live from moment to moment focused inward.
I hope that mostly you only see a smiling face and a warm hello.
But I think I am beginning to lose even that.
This body with its varying pain degrees is taking over my heart and mind.
Only in my dreams do I come to realize this.  
I wake up ashamed, feeling horribly alone because everyone now is at least arms length or further away.
In my mind I am screaming that I love you, appreciate you and need you so much.
However, you can not see that.
All you can see is the face I give you which is more and more not really me.

I am tired of this body dictating who I am.
I have shed tears tonight because I want me back!
I believe that in the process of hiding my pain so that I appear normal, I have begun hiding my love.  
It is there in my heart but the place aroumd my heart is getting tighter and tighter and more closed.
I feel so much like a robot who is just walking through.

It is time!
Time to get over myself! Time to tell the pain to take a hike!
Who I am has always been the one there for my friends and family.  I need her back!  
All I need now is for you to send your white light positive thoughts toward me so I can find her again!

I love you all never forget that!

Love you long after you are gone...

This is how I feel about my family!  

Burning Feet

Feet are burning tonight!

Why????

* Cortizone shot in my knee or,

* Either the 

       fresh tomato, 

       steamed cauliflower, 

       steamed broccoli, 

       portobello mushroom or 

       the coconut milk ice cream or, 

* They are not happy that the knees are stealing the show or,

* I missed those hot coals outside my office!!!

Who knows?!?!

Art Attacks

Visited the orthopedist today and found out that I have fairly severe arthritis.  His comment to me was that it looked like both of my knees had been playing football without me.  I assured him that this was not the case at least that I was aware of.  My left knee is the worst but has the least pain.  My right knee has been very painful as I apparently have a Torn meniscus that needs to be repaired.  He gave me a shot and wants to see me in three weeks for me to tell him we need to do surgery.   Not so sure about all of that as I will be left unable to drive for a few weeks most likely.  Getting old stinks!!!  I would now like to thank my mom and my grandmother and my grandfather all for giving me these wonderful genes for arthritis.  I love them all but seriously!!  More to come I am sure....

Swollen

So today my knee feels better after it appears I popped it back into place last night.   However today I'm making myself worried about my swollen feet and hands.  For the last few days when work is over my feet look like little hot dog blimps!  I cannot seem to get over one thing without another thing rearing its ugly head!  Back to the neurologist in a little over a week and we have a lot to talk about!

Pain pain pain

Pain pain pain go away come again no other day!  We get one Leg fixed and now the other leg is a problem.    It seems that there'll always be some kind of pain.  I have a brace on my right knee and I head back to the orthopedist on Monday.  I try to keep telling myself that there are people who have it much worse than I do.   But the pain pain pain won't go away!